“The pleasantness of an employment does not always evince its propriety.”

- Jane Austen

"Growing up is about aiming to succeed wildly and being fulfilled by failing really well."

-Courtney Martin

Check her out (Courtney Martin, not the pig) here.

"If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism."

- Oscar Wilde

Dissection

Despicable, squalid,

Sprawled across the weary table

With its worm-holes and buboes,

Bruised by moment and battered by measure.

You lie there, accusing me of everything.

Oozing, dripping, reeking,

Seeking scrutiny.

I spy on you through my microscope.

Self-importance dribbles out your

Putrid pores. It grows to a bubble,

Then slows to a pop.

I know that it takes a real man to whistle in the rain;

You were right when you told me that.

But I cannot trust you.

Sometimes it is sunny when it is cold,

Sometimes tension gets rolled,

Rolled up and balled

Like wool.

The others giggle or flinch,

But I just blink bewildered.

I understand you, frog,

But not them.

Fine Acts of Junk

"If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?" - John Cleese

We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look.

- Adolus Huxley

My dad told me that I'm delusional. I almost fell of my unicorn.

Finnegan's Wake Spell-Checked

People are always surprised when I tell them that I'm really useless at spelling and grammar.

-- OHBUTYOUDIDENGLISH they frown and jeer when I get something wrong.

Yeah, I did. But I'm pretty sure that every Mathematician at oxford was a better speller than I. They are perfectionists. Thorough and thoughtful. when they break the maths rules they get the answers wrong.  We're muchmore slapdash.

Pernickety obsession is not the trait of your average English student. Maybe language students. Historians. Or classicists. It has never been a trait of mine, anyway. I like language at its most creative. And if that means throwing spelling and grammar to the wind- then so be it

Yeah- I bet that missing full stop is really bothering you

And that one two. Alot.

I've flung some grammatical inaccuracies into this post so that you can judge weather your a grammar nazi or not.

This is what happens when you put the first page of Finnegan's Wake into Microsoft Word:

Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, Dennis just couldn't get enough of Gangam Style.

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue." - Jarod Kintz

Top 10 Documentaries of ALL TIME (probably) - part 4

JOINT NUMBER 2. (with Spellbound... see previous post)

Those who have bothered to read the other 8 entries in this list instead of skipping to the top two will recall my sage aphorism: "Everyone loves a tiny French man." This is proved true yet again, in the inspiring documentary that is Man On Wire. Honestly, the protagonist's name is quite literally Phillipe Petit.

When you mention this documentary to people they'll go oh yes that one that won the Oscars and stuff. Yes indeed my pretties. A documentary wins an Oscar every year but for some reason this is the one that people remember. Man On Wire also won lots of other prizes elsewhere and is quite simply marvellous.

It's essentially Ocean's Eleven for day-dreamers (because day-dreamers don't get Ocean's Eleven... everything happens really fast and then you're like, wait, what happened, it's happened already? that happened? where was I when that happened......??? And it's just all pretty baffling). Well this almost-heist is simultaneously much more ridiculous and much more straight-forward in narrative than Oceans Eleven. It's also real life. What more could you want?

And obviously, Philippe's tightrope-walking feat itself is hugely awe-inspiring. All in all, very much worthy of my second-from-the-top spot.

1. Exit Through The Gift Shop

Ok, ok. I actually genuinely only just realised that three of my top 10 documentaries feature tiny French men. Clearly my obsession must run deeper than I'd realised. This one has another in it. I'd say this guy is the best French man of all time, perhaps. Except Poirot. OH.WAIT.NO.HE.WAS.BELGIAN.

I don't wan't to spoil this doc by talking lots of gibberish about it and ruining the story. I'm just going to tell you that it has BANKSY in it. But it's not even about Banksy. THAT right there, is proof of just how cool this film is. That's right, this documentary is the epitome of cool. Thierry Guetta (aka. Mr. Brainwash) is the most amazing creature ever created by our absurd culture and his story makes amazingly entertaining viewing. Trust me: watch it. You'll enjoy. I guarantee.

Top 10 Documentaries of ALL TIME (probably) - part 3

2. Spellbound

I, of all people especially, love a good nerd. When I was growing up my dad used to call me Gretchen (she's the one with the epic glasses and freckles and teeth from Recess who speaks through her nose). I feel that on the whole I've been lucky enough to mainly grow out of my nerdiness. No, maybe I've grown into it. But either way, I will always feel a great affinity with all diminutive bespectacled creatures.

But Spellbound is more than your average lolz-they-have-no-social-skills flick (for this see: Deborah 13: Servant of God or anything featuring Mormons). Spellbound shows how, for these gawky kids, many of whom are the children of immigrants, exceptional command of the English language offers a sense of belonging, and in some strange way, affirms their Americanness.

Top 10 Documentaries of ALL TIME (probably) - Part 2

I know you've been waiting for this with baited breath. So here it bloody well is:

5. The Imposter 

Ok so this gets points from me for being produced kinda like it's a feature film. Because documentary IS an equally valuable art form. And the story is absolutely fantastically fascinating- a tiny French man pretends to be a Texan child and gets away with it... possibly because the family have a secret to hide... possibly because they are crazy too... simply fabulous. Everyone loves a tiny French man. Although this one looks a little too much like Gavin (a la Gavin & Stacy) for my liking...

Do you see it too....???

4. Paradise Lost

So this is really long and depressing and involves a court-case and intrigue and child-murder. Right up my street. It's about the notorious Robin Hood murders and tells the story of the three young boys accused of the murder and sexual mutilation of some kids even younger than them. Horrific as the subject matter is, it is incredibly engrossing. And it is sort of hideously fun to try and work out whether the accused boys are guilty or innocent. Made me want to be a lawyer for about ten minutes.

(For something similar (I don't know why but I find child criminals really interesting...) there was recently a very excellent documentary on Channel 4 called 'Twelve Year Old Lifer' about a twelve and a fifteen year old boy who shot dead the fifteen year old's step-dad. It raised lots of issues about the American justice system and about whether or not children should really be tried as adults. And significantly, I think, pointed out how tragic the situation was for absolutely everyone involved- teenage killers included. Highly recommended (not only because I did some transcribing work on it whilst I interned at NERD tv...))

3. Thin Blue Line

Are you in the mood to feel outraged? Do you want to feel ANGRY and APPALLED and for there to be ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about it? Watch this film. (Then Wikipedia check what happened in its aftermath and glory in the catharsis of vindication). It's about a man who is serving in prison for a murder he quite blatantly did not commit- and tells the infuriating narrative of how and why he ended up there. It makes one glad that one does not live in stinking America. Vastly better entertainment than your average episode of CSI Miami. Next time its on tv and you're tempted, think twice, watch this instead. Honestly this one is just brilliant.

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAH that is all for now... you will have to CHECK BACK IN A FEW DAYS FOR THE RESULTS OF THE FINAL TWO BEST DOCUMENTARIES OF ALL TIME (probably).

These three will keep you busy 'til then.

Toodles x

Top 10 Documentaries of ALL TIME (probably) - Part 1

I am a big watcher of documentaries. And I am not, like some, a documentary snob. I am open-minded, and always hopeful that I may be pleasantly surprised by the excellent quality of the many late 90s documentaries still available on 4od, or even, dare I say it, Channel 5. Of course I also enjoy the weighty insightful political stuff that wins awards at obscure French festivals too.

So this is my top 10 list. In reverse order.

10. Grizzly Man

Tells the story of the life and death of the lunatic "bear enthusiast" Timothy Treadwell. Treadwell is a captivating topic, whom, it seems, would have been happier as a bear than a human. In all fairness to him, the fact that he survived so long in such close proximity to the bears is pretty damn impressive. Werner Herzog's German accent is soothing, but I can't decide if it makes the story of Treadwell's death feel more or less shocking- but it is definitely a good thing. For those who have seen the film already, I recommend this fun Sporcle quiz that gets you to identify Treadwell's bear friends by name: http://www.sporcle.com/games/MistahSchwartz/GrizzlyMan. The only one I could remember was Mr. Chocolate.

9. My Penis & I

Oh BBC Three you wonderful, wonderful beast. This is about a man and his quest to come to terms with his smaller than average... well, penis. Despite the initial hilarity caused by the majority of the content of this documentary, poor Lawrence's self-confidence issues are actually quite touching. Essentially, his emotional journey is an thinly veiled excuse for BBC3 to allow viewers to gawp and gasp at lots and lots and lots of images of our favourite male organ. I'd recommend watching this with a group of squeamish girls and lots of wine.

8. Bowling For Columbine

Probably my favourite Michael Moore documentary. Watching as a Brit rather than an American means that most of Moore's arguments in favour of gun-control seem outrageously obvious, but Moore is absolutely the best at wittily handling very serious subjects, and Bowling For Columbine gives a fascinating insight into the history of the town that has seen such horrific violence.

7. Grey Gardens

Grey Gardens is a classic, and should probably be much closer to #1 on this list. It captures the lives of two highly eccentric reclusive women, a mother and a daughter called Big Edie and Little Edie. Their garden is wild and overgrown, they live without running water and their large mansion is infested with racoons, cats and fleas. They muse about the past, and rarely admit any outsiders in. Little Edie is basically Blanche Du Bois in real life; and as such, utterly mesmerising to watch.

6. King of Kong

King of Kong transports us to a bizarre American microcosm where Video Games rule the world and where the baddies make hot sauce and have really stupid hair. The amount of time and energy that the extraordinary characters in this film put into playing Donkey Kong is just incredible; if you wrote this as a fiction it would be dismissed as far too ridiculous to be believed. Trust me, YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THIS ONE.